Oh My Fucking God

I’ve been trying to write on here every day, nice little memories for little grapey, but there was no chance that was happening last night.

I’d had quite a stressful day at work but we were meeting up with Babydaddy and his boyfriend for a chinese so whatever, not a problem. Just before leaving Tappy went to the toilet and I heard “oh no”. That’s not what you want to hear your pregnant wife say when going to the toilet. Anyway I started to go upstairs and heard it again.

“I’m bleeding”.

I thought maybe it’s just spotting, I know spotting is normal so nothing to worry about (you know when you tell your worried self there’s nothing to worry about). She showed me the tissue and there was hardly anything there, if it had been me I don’t think I’d have noticed it, however I am aware that she knows what her body’s like and this is how her periods always start (mine are different).

She wiped again and still very little.

We came downstairs and I tried to convince her everything was ok. She went to check again. I came in and there was a lot of bright red blood and a clot.

My heart sank. I couldn’t believe it, we’d lost the baby. It had all finished. I didn’t know what to do. Do you go to the hospital? Do you wait? Neither of us could believe it.

Tappy called her mum. She said we should go to the hospital and then I remembered 111, the NHS helpline. We called them and they were really helpful and booked us in to see someone at the out of hours clinic at the hospital but told us there was little they would be able to do for us that night. The doctor there again was helpful, checked Tappy over and asked if there had been anymore bleeding. There was only small traces of brownish blood by this point which seemed positive but they couldn’t say anything until she had a scan which we could have the next day. The part that really concerned me was the clot, I didn’t see how it was possible to have something like that and still be pregnant. Tappy did her usual research everything on the internet and found others who’d had the same experience and the baby was fine, this lifted us a bit.

We woke up this morning and again Tappy had only a tiny amount of brownish blood which I think was just leftover from last night. We went for the scan and were both terrified of what they were going to tell us. Her name was called and we went into the small room with the scanner. “Which one of you is Tappy?” (ok maybe she didn’t call her Tappy) “and you are her sister? Wife? Mum? Niece? I just say everything to cover it all” and she laughed. I actually thought this was a really good approach and it made both of us chuckle (as much as you can in that situation). Another doctor then came in to do the scan. She asked if it was a dating scan and the other lady used some term that obviously was a nice way of saying possible miscarriage.

“There’s the baby”.

She said this with so little concern I couldn’t tell if it meant everything was ok or if she’s just used to seeing these things. She then turned the scanner round to show us and showed us the heartbeat.

Oh my fucking God!

The relief! It’s tiny little grapey heart was there, the only part you could make out, an unmistakable heartbeat! I still can’t get over it. That moment in the bathroom I was convinced it was all over, that Tappy wasn’t pregnant anymore, but she was and we were now sitting looking at our baby.

My God that was stressful. It gave me a similar feeling to when my dad died. The same completely helpless, there is fuck all you can do to help the situation feeling. It’s all out of your hands, stupid bloody painful feeling.

I know we’re lucky though and I could be writing something different right now so I’m thankful for that.

ROLL ON JANUARY!

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