The First Attempt

And so it begins! Or so I thought, I did the ovulation test and there was no smiley face. WHAT? I’d literally just written a post about how accurate the tests had been! I wasn’t impressed. I let babydaddy know and we put our first try back by 24 hours. 24 hours takes longer when there’s something you want to get on with.

(the new) Day 1. Babydaddy came round, his partner stayed at home because they’ve got a cute new puppy that’s being a bit of a handful. We had a cup of tea and a chat before he got to business. By that I mean he took a little pot upstairs and deposited his manjuice into it. Me and my partner made sure we had everything we needed so that once we had the spoof we could get to work as quickly as possible. We needed a syringe, a speaker, a beanbag, a towel and a mooncup. These are the things we knew we needed from experience. We both wish we’d thought about the towel the first time my partner tried. We’d put so much thought into the whole putting the sperm in that we hadn’t considered what would happen when she eventually stood up. What a pair of lesbians! My partner had found the upside down part very difficult so I’d had a practise run at this, I decided a beanbag was going to be the most comfortable way for me to stay in that position. Next the syringe. Another thing we’d learnt was sucking the sperm up into the syringe can damage the sperm, we’d been doing it that way because we hadn’t quite clicked you could take the end off and pour it in. What a pair of thickos. So I’m upside down on a beanbag with a full syringe (I say that like there’s loads of the stuff). Mum, if you’re reading this just skip this part please. They reckon you’re best to have an orgasm to help you conceive. This is much easier said than done when you’re in a weird position and have making a baby on the mind. Anyway we tried our best but in all honesty it was more like a clip from an x-rated you’ve been framed. I stayed in the upside down (I’ve been watching stranger things) for an hour. Before I got up I put my mooncup in to keep what I could in place. This might not have any benefit but I’m willing to try anything to maximise the chances of pregnancy at this point. If you don’t know what a mooncup is it’s a soft plastic cup that you pop in your minky when you’re on your period to catch the blood. I haven’t used tampons or towels for a few years now and I love it. Seeing as I already have one I thought I’d give this a go. This meant that I didn’t need the towel but better safe than sorry. The speaker was obviously to play Tori Amos throughout the experience, I apply this one to many parts of my life. Day 1 done! I slept with the mooncup in.

Day 2. We were following the same guidlelines as the day before. Edie took ages to get to sleep on this night, we obviously wanted her settled before we started the process. There is something I’d like to warn the ladies about when it comes to this form of trying to conceive. There is a good chance you’re going to queef! Let’s hope you and your partner are comfortable enough with each other that this doesn’t end the whole relationship. It seems that when the syringe was removed from me it left a large void of air. This air tried to escape at every opportunity again turning this into a you’ve been framed classic. This made me laugh which made me queef some more which made me laugh some more. I almost hope that if I am pregnant right now that this was the night I conceived purely for the amount I laughed, the tears rolled up my face. My partner didn’t seem to laugh that much…or at all… Day 2 done! I slept with the mooncup in again.

Day 3. This was basically the same as the other 2 days only babydaddy was later because he was busy at work and there was an accident on the road and I managed to not make any hilarious sounds. Day 3 done! Slept with my beloved mooncup in.

Now time for the two week wait (TWW), actually it’s something like 11 days from now so fingers crossed. Naturally I’m convinced I’m pregnant already and that it’s made me put on about 2 stone and I’m craving all kinds of weird stuff. Let’s hope I’m not disappointed.

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